I FN Hate….Love

Posted by Martin Thomas on February 23rd, 2010

Ah, love. The most precious commodity in the world. As The Beatles once said “money can’t buy me love”. Unless you’ve got a lot of money, in which case you can pay for three prostitutes to simultaneously lick Nutella from your chest and/or balls, which sounds pretty lovely to me. But as long as you’ve got love, nothing else matters, right? Wrong. Here’s why.

Firstly, spending time with people is overrated. I don’t know if it’s a byproduct of being an only child, but I enjoy spending time to myself, doing such fun activities as sleeping, playing on Xbox and watching copious amounts of foreign football. But then it’s all “hey, fancy coming round tonight?” and “let’s go watch a movie” when to be honest, a night in watching Argentinian cup football and masturbating sounds far more appealing.

Secondly, as a singleton myself I am quite content (I’d bloody have to be with my success rate or lack thereof). Stop trying to set me up with your friends. They are all very ugly and have the combined personality of a doorstop. Just because you are a desperate, needy big bag of emotions ready to explode who simply cannot function without a boyfriend because you have severe issues that need dealing with, doesn’t mean we all are like that so stop projecting on me, foo.

Then there’s the money. I’m not exactly flush with cash so a girl asking me to spend £2 on a Malibu and coke or something is a severe burden. Buy her five drinks over the course of your relationship and that’s ten pounds you’re out of pocket by. Think what you could buy with ten quid, it’s bad enough wasting all my money on my own boozing without subsidising someone else’s.

I also have a severe character deficiency in that I just don’t “do” drama. I absolutely detest drama queens and people who are constantly “ZOMG we’ve broke up, oh wait we’re back together, oh wait we’ve broke up….” and if I were to become one of those people I would be letting myself and my family down by turning into an enormous wet fanny.

So in conclusion, money > love. Run forth and spread the word.