Sunday, June 6th, 2010
…And no, that isn’t purely because I’m a sore looser – pah-ha! Nuls Points once again!
For a magnetude of reasons, for me, “Eurovision” is always to be twinned with “cringe-fest.” Its inescapable. So many things about it make me die inside, not least of all, the fact that it keeps highlighting just how much the rest of Europe hate us. Even our lovely neighbours in Ireland no longer seem to be willing to slip us a few points under the “vote for your neighbour” scheme the programme invariably runs on. They’ve seen the way the wind is blowing, and decided to stick with the cool kids, leaving the UK alone and weeping in a corner.
Except…most of us aren’t weeping. Because we, as a nation, don’t take Eurovision all that seriously. Not really. We have some weird build-up to it every year,Graham Norton (god love him) prances about as the hopes of auditionees are dashed, millions watch it, but no one seems to be that dissappointed when we lose. Not like the World Cup. I’ve never seen anyone cry because we didn’t win Eurovision. As far as I know, none of the UK entries have ever received a death-threat for hitting a wrong note. Fans don’t have punch-ups with the supporters of other countries…
So why the hell do we keep entering the damn thing? I can’t help but feel its a collossal waste of cash which – when you consider the financial state of the country – we could spending on something far more interesting. Like National Watching-Paint-Dry contests. Or cheese rolling.
Aside from being a waste of air time, money and a global embarrassment, there are several other reasons I hate Eurovision:
1) Pure Campness. And not camp in a good way. Not delightful, hilarious camp, such as you find in Open All Hours, or when watching Michael McIntyre. No, embarrassing, cringy camp. Like a butch heterosexual man trying to out-fabulous a Drag Queen (and I love Drag Queens!). Its camp that doesn’t work.
2) The fact that, despite how much it costs, it always looks cheap. I don’t know what it is about Eurovision, but despite costing billions, it always looks like its been put on by school-kids on a budget of a fiver.
3) There’s always that irritating song from one of the other countries that gets stuck in my head. I wanted to hate this year’s French entry – but it turns out French rap is damn catchy. Kelly dislikes this.
4) The political voting. It irriates me that you can usually guess who is going to vote for whom. It is meant to be a Europe-wide talent contest, but its actually just a weird, musical way for each country to state their allegence to their neighbour.
So yes, such is my hatred for Eurovision…
Posted in General |
Monday, April 12th, 2010
Well not all music, but quite a lot of it. And in the spirit of which, here is a list of my 5 least favourite bands in ascending order. (Note: I am not including singular artists that I hate because the list would be near endless, Rhianna, Akon, Eminem and so on)
5. Blink 182
Its hard to say why I hate Blink 182 so much, I think it is just down to them being played an awful lot in my early teens. They weren’t very good then and they aren’t very good now. There is not a single Blink 182 song that I find entertaining, or fun in any way. They are just boring and that is a Cardinal sin for a band.
4. Razorlight
In a similar way to Blink 182, Razorlight are extremely tedious. They rank higher on my hate list however for 2 major reasons. Firstly the band falls into the categoryt lovingly known as Indie. I hate this new genre which should instead be called poof rock. They don’t wanna call themselves pop, but at the same time they aren’t hardcore enough to be proper rock. The second reason is the lead singer. His voice grates on you as badly as someone continually running the hoover in the background. I just cant bring myself to listen to the words he’s singing.
3. The Scissor Sisters
The scissor sisters are on my list for one very good reason. Their cover of Pink Floyd’s Comfortably Numb. The original contains what I believe to be the best guitar solo in any song made before or since. Then the Scissor Sisters came along and massacred it. They will never be forgiven in my book.
2- Green Day
If you thought Blink 182 and Razorlight were drab and dull (which clearly I do) then the king of all boring bands has to be Green Day. In all of the songs I have heard from them, nearly all of them are entirely indistinguishable from one another, and the lead singer’s voice makes me want burn my ears off. Green Day are in my opinion the most boring band still performing today.
And now in at number one…..(drumroll please)
1- The Red Hot Chilli Peppers
I have a feeling this will not be a popular choice. But the Red Hot Chilli Peppers are the most overated, overplayed band ever to walk this earth. Their songs are downright annoying, but seem to get played an awful lot. If I hear Californication one more time there’s going to be trouble.
Posted in General |
Monday, April 5th, 2010
Yeah, so I’m suffering from a creative block at the moment. So what better way to get yourself out of a rut than to lazily revisit an idea you already did!
A – ASDA FM
I work the night shift at Asda. It is generally a half decent place to work, but the store’s own radio station makes me want to rip my ears off. I’m sure during the day it’s tolerable, but at night all the DJs go home so it’s like “right, let’s just stick this thing on a loop” and off they pop. Every single night they play the same songs, in a very slightly different order to give off the illusion of it being different. There are a few good songs in there as well but after hearing them every night for three months you begin to get slightly tired of them. The only song I’ve found to be the exception is “A Little Less Conversation” by Elvis vs Junkie XL, which is just an awesome song.
B – Barrowman, John
Seriously, just get off the telly already. This guy will appear on anything and everything. And what’s the deal with the accent? Isn’t he from Glasgow or some such? What a knob.
C – Compare, Go
Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
D – Dylan, Bob
Boring. And the harmonica is for girls.
E – Election, General
It’s that time again, soon we will all be in the polling stations deciding which group of middle class, London-centric tossers we want in charge for the next four years. It’s an exciting time in many ways, particularly as it looks like actually being close this time. But in other ways it is crap. Firstly, if I vote I’ll run the risk of being called up for jury duty in the future. I do not want this. What if I get a case involving gangsters and they know I voted guilty and come and fuck me up? I think I’ll just declare myself prejudiced against all races and sexualities so they don’t choose me. Secondly, a lot of people say “blah blah you must vote, it’s your duty yadda yadda”, whereas I take the opposite view. I think the majority of people SHOULDN’T vote. I don’t consider myself an expert on politics by any means but I feel I know enough to get by. The average chav in the high street, what the frig do they know? People who are thick or misinformed should not be allowed to potentially hold this country’s short term future in their hands. In the polling stations they should have a general knowledge politics quiz that you have to pass before being allowed to vote.
F – Foo Fighters
They used to be my second favourite band in about 2004 but then ‘In Your Honor’ came out and it sucked and since then I’ve gone off them more and more. I don’t know if it’s just that my tastes have changed or what but now I find them to be one of the more bland rock outfits around, and that’s saying something because modern rock music is generally pish.
Tags: a-z, election, foo fighters, Gordon Brown, hate, politics
Posted in General |
Thursday, March 25th, 2010
GRRR!! I can’t express fully in words how much those poxy things do my head in! I mean, I’ve had some pretty shocking customer service in supermarkets – every single employee in the Sainsburys round the corner to me looks like they’re about to hang themselves - but I would still much rather be served by a person. I honestly don’t understand why anyone would think that self service checkouts were a good invention. If you went on Dragon’s Den and said “Hello Dragons…I’d like some money so I can build machines that will make human contact unnecessary!” I like to think that you would be told to fuck off. No cash for you, you anti-social freak! Supermarkets get to stay open because they have customers! I do not feel valued, therefore, when I go into a supermarket and they try and encourage me not to talk to the staff who represent the company. Oh, what, so you can take my money, but you’re too good to talk to me now?! Is that it?!
And I don’t care what anyone says, they are not more convenient. I don’t work in a supermarket. Therefore, I do not want to have to type in codes and look up items and tap in quantities every sodding time I want to buy a pastry! Plus, the bastard things always go wrong. It doesn’t register something has gone into the bagging area, so it throws a little bitch fit and you have to stand there waiting for assistance, while the long line of people behind you get pissy, convinced that you’re some sort of simple-minded technophobe who has broken the machine. You have to wait around for someone to come and tell the stupid thing that you’re not a ten year-old trying to buy a bottle of wine. They always go wrong when you’re buying sanitary towels or condoms or something else embarrassing, so some spotty creep, who looks about fifteen but is actually the manager, gets to come up to you and leer at you while fiddling about with the machine.
And the voice! Oh my GOD, the voice. “Unexpected item in bagging area.” FUCK. OFF! “Please take your change. Notes are dispenced below the scanner.” Oh good, oh blee! “Please take your items!” Why don’t they just program it to say “Thank you for your cash, now piss off!”? It’s basically the same principle as those helplines, where you have to push buttons and listen to a mechanical voice for hours on end. The voice says things like “Thank you for your call. Your custom is important to us.” But they don’t mean it. IT. IS. A. LIIIIE! No one enjoys those things! They’re one of the major irritants of the technological age. So why WHY plague the public further by adding these monsterous, impersonal, souless metal things to shops? Monsterous, souless people I can handle, at least that way the thing serving me has a face. I just don’t get it. I end up having a row with the smug female voice every time I use one, and then I get to look like an escaped mental patient, when usually all I want is some chocolate and a pint of milk. Is that asking so much? Really?!
Posted in General |
Thursday, March 18th, 2010
Now anyone who has seen me will know that I am a picturesque example of a perfect physical specimen. But in order to retain my fantastic physique, it requires trips to the gym. Dull work but when you look this good it’s necessary. Some aspects of the gym are fun, but there are also plenty of annoying things to go with them. And as this is FNHate, it is those that I shall be concentrating on!
Firstly, it’s the meatheads in the weights section. Now, lest I be accused of just being jealous, I do envy some of their physiques (although I’d rather just be toned than RAWR MUSCLY. Sadly I’m neither). But it’s not my vast inferiority that annoys me about them, it’s all the grunting and gurning and TESTOSTERONE. Yes, lifting weights is hard work, but usually twice a week I’ll see someone finish a set then just throw the weights across the other end of the room, nearly hitting someone, as if to say “rawr look how hard I am”. It’s pathetic.
Then there is the people who lounge around doing nothing. Don’t get me wrong, I love loitering around having a natter while I’m at the gym, but don’t stand/sit on one of the machines on a Saturday afternoon and do it. Time is money people, and I need to FEEL THE BURN but I can’t because you are hogging all the equipment talking about Eastenders or some shit.
Also, there are too many attractive young women who go there. It’s incredibly distracting for me when I’m running/cycling/whatever away and then a girl gets on the machine in front of me and all I can see is that arse moving back and forth….pendulously…..like some sort of beautiful grandfather clock……..now I’ve lost my concentration! See what happens!
Finally, we have the changing rooms. Now, as a considerate man, I tend to wear underwear, or on the rare occasion that I shower there, pop a towel on. But some gentlemen (usually much older ones) have said balls to that. Quite literally. There’s nothing quite as sobering as some 60 year old bloke walking around with his knob out. Please, keep it hidden! If I wanted to see a hairy old sausage I’d look in the bottom of my freezer.
Tags: exercise, gym, old man's cock
Posted in General |
Tuesday, March 2nd, 2010
So it seems like every writer here has had a pop at the old Book of Face, and for good reason, since it has a lot of annoying shit there. Most of my grievances with Facebook come from having dribbling idiots on my friends list (if you’re reading this on Facebook, it’s not you I’m referring to. Unless it is, in which case you are a clown shoe) and the problems caused by this such as clogged up news feed, dull statuses, drama queens and all that jazz.
But the latest thing to get my goat about Facebook is them fucking pointless groups/pages where you have to become a fan before you can see the picture. Usually it’s stuff like “I LOLed at this cat” or “I ROFLed at this down’s syndrome kid”, but they don’t let you see a picture of the down’s syndrome kid with an ice cream cone stuck to his forehead, you have to become a fan to see the frigger. Fuck that. This is the internet, if I want to see a picture of a cat in a “hilarious” picture, I don’t have to look very hard. I ain’t joining your shitty page just to see the latest one. Also, I fucking hate those “I LOLed at….” groups in general. Did you LOL? Really? Or are you just adding this page to your enormous agglomeration of pointless shit you’ve become a fan of because you’re an annoying twat who spends all day “liking” pictures of car park signs with dirty connotations rather than doing anything useful with your life. If you’re that easily amused that a sign saying “use rear entrance” has you “ROFLing”, then in a way I am jealous of you for laughing so often if that is all it takes to get you chuckling. But in another, more accurate way, I think you are a knob.
It's funny cos anal.
So now expect to see more and more of these hilarious images being worshipped. Except now you have to jump through hoops to see them. Next time you’re thinking “should I become a fan of this page?”, before you reach a conclusion, try and picture me stabbing a kitten in the mouth with a Black & Decker electric drill. Because if that’s what it takes to stop you doyles from filling my news feed with shit, then that is what I shall do. Come here Tiddles…
Tags: facebook, internet, meme
Posted in General |
Wednesday, February 24th, 2010
Ice skating is by far the most boring activity that you can do, that people choose to do for fun (with the notable exception of going running, but anyone who enjoys that needs looking at anyway). Bowling I understand the appeal of, Go-Karting I can understand also (though i suck at Go-Karting, I always spin out). But Ice skating… going round and round in a circle trying not to fall over; sound more like government policy than a leisure activity. (ooooh satire!) Once you finally let go of the wall and have remained on your feet whilst doing so, you then submit yourself to travelling around in a circle whilst you are overtaken by 7 year olds going backwards. And unlike other things I’m not good at and therefore don’t like ( football, dancing etc) I can’t actually see that ice skating would be particularly fun even if you were good at it. Certainly not by attending an ice rink anyway. Perhaps an ice obstacle course might be more fun for your experienced skater.
My main objection to ice skating though is not the boredom, although that does play a major part. No, my most major quarrel is with the fact that it is painful. I have never, I repeat, never been ice skating and left with the same number of blisters that I arrived with. The skates fit so badly on the majority of people that it rubs our ankles very badly. This means you need to take a break every few laps of the rink to sooth them. So now, I’m paying to sit there with painful ankles and watch other people skate. I don’t know about anyone else but that doesnt sound like a good afternoon to me. Even an exciting sport like Ice Hockey is only exciting because the Players turn up for a fight, and if they have time play a bit of hockey in the interim. Adding the dimension of ice skating into hockey improves it in no way at all. I happen to enjoy regular hockey. Its great fun. But I would like to meet the man who invented ice skating. Because whoever invented this and then had the cheek to call it entertainment deserves a medal just for his deception
Posted in General |
Tuesday, February 23rd, 2010
Ah, love. The most precious commodity in the world. As The Beatles once said “money can’t buy me love”. Unless you’ve got a lot of money, in which case you can pay for three prostitutes to simultaneously lick Nutella from your chest and/or balls, which sounds pretty lovely to me. But as long as you’ve got love, nothing else matters, right? Wrong. Here’s why.
Firstly, spending time with people is overrated. I don’t know if it’s a byproduct of being an only child, but I enjoy spending time to myself, doing such fun activities as sleeping, playing on Xbox and watching copious amounts of foreign football. But then it’s all “hey, fancy coming round tonight?” and “let’s go watch a movie” when to be honest, a night in watching Argentinian cup football and masturbating sounds far more appealing.
Secondly, as a singleton myself I am quite content (I’d bloody have to be with my success rate or lack thereof). Stop trying to set me up with your friends. They are all very ugly and have the combined personality of a doorstop. Just because you are a desperate, needy big bag of emotions ready to explode who simply cannot function without a boyfriend because you have severe issues that need dealing with, doesn’t mean we all are like that so stop projecting on me, foo.
Then there’s the money. I’m not exactly flush with cash so a girl asking me to spend £2 on a Malibu and coke or something is a severe burden. Buy her five drinks over the course of your relationship and that’s ten pounds you’re out of pocket by. Think what you could buy with ten quid, it’s bad enough wasting all my money on my own boozing without subsidising someone else’s.
I also have a severe character deficiency in that I just don’t “do” drama. I absolutely detest drama queens and people who are constantly “ZOMG we’ve broke up, oh wait we’re back together, oh wait we’ve broke up….” and if I were to become one of those people I would be letting myself and my family down by turning into an enormous wet fanny.
So in conclusion, money > love. Run forth and spread the word.
Posted in General |
Thursday, February 18th, 2010
Football is probably my least favourite sport in the world (pole vault not withstanding). The game itself isn’t why I hate it though, although it is for the most part desperately boring for me to watch. What I hate is the culture surrounding football. I think to best demonstrate this, I will split the hate up into three distinct sections.
1. Premiership Football Players
I think what irks me most about these people is that they are paid millions each year but an 11 man squad could barely rustle up as many GCSEs between them. They are the sort of people who dicked around at school but are still role models for children. What kind of message is that sending to kids? I would also like to mention at this stage the fact that just about all premiership footballers are pussies. Someone comes within a foot of messing up their hair and they dive to the floor quicker than a hero running away from an explosion behind him. These people should get a real fucking job!
2. The Lad Culture of the Fans
Football fans as a whole I tend to find to be laddish, somertimes bordering or even crossing the border of loutishness. They are loud, lager swilling and for the most part just bad company. I also find homophobia something quite prevalent amongst your chanting football supporter. I’ve never liked the lad culture much. There was a lot of it in my halls last year. And although there wasnt anyone in my block who i would consider as a bad person, if you weren’t one of the lads then you missed out on a lot of the social life.
3. The World Cup/European Cup
If England wins any game in either or the above tournaments, the behaviour of people on the streets and in pubs is quite unlike any other time. I hate the World Cup because it gives people an excuse to act like a cunt for the entire night after the game if England win. I laughed very hard after England didn’t qualify for the European cup in 2008. I was happy that we escaped the acceptable face of pandemonium on the streets. I don’t even support England when they play in these tournaments. I will support whoever I draw out of a sweepstake.
Posted in General |
Friday, February 12th, 2010
Now I love my dog, he’s pretty good. Except when he pisses or shits in the house, but you know. And I generally enjoy walking him, but there are a few things that sour the experience.
Firstly, picking your dog’s shit up is never a pleasant experience, but it is a necessity. Indeed, it pisses me off when I see people ignoring it, cos then they leave their dog’s squelchy shit on the pavement for other people to step in. But the fact remains that it’s not nice. But my main problem with it is the fact that it just confirms the true pecking order in terms of power. Sure, I decide when he goes for walks, where we go, when he eats and all that, but as much as I kid myself that I’m the one in charge, only one of us chases after the other cleaning up his shit, and it ain’t him.
Secondly, I like to listen to my iPod when I’m out walking the dog. You know, the dog is busy doing his own thing wandering around in the bushes and stuff (like a hairier Boy George) so I just stroll along listening to some bangin’ tunes. So what I don’t want is every fucker and their dog (literally) coming up to me and making conversation. Call me anti-social, but if I take my dog to the park I like to let him have a wander about while I just listen to some Beach Boys or summat. But then you walk past a mother and young child and the kid’s like “can I stroke your dog?” and I’m like “yeah sure” but inside I’m all “I hope he poos on your shoe”. But fine, they’re kids, they’re curious, I can deal with that. But then there’s the other type of dog walker – the auld granny. Now these ones don’t just stop to pet your dog and then toddle off on their merry way. No siree, they stop, pet your dog, and then tell you their dog’s bloody life story. Yes my dog is a boy. No I am not interested in what gender yours is. Yes he is a Yorkshire terrier. No I am not interested in what breed yours is. Yes he is friendly. No I don’t want him trying to sniff your dog’s fanny (because he will!). Honestly lady, it’s fascinating that you’ve had your dog since 1996, and it’s been really interesting listening to every event that has happened up until 2010, but I must dash because I just remembered I need to go and put my head in a vice.
What I need is one of these bad boys:
Tags: dogs, park, people, shit
Posted in General |
