Monday, April 5th, 2010
Yeah, so I’m suffering from a creative block at the moment. So what better way to get yourself out of a rut than to lazily revisit an idea you already did!
A – ASDA FM
I work the night shift at Asda. It is generally a half decent place to work, but the store’s own radio station makes me want to rip my ears off. I’m sure during the day it’s tolerable, but at night all the DJs go home so it’s like “right, let’s just stick this thing on a loop” and off they pop. Every single night they play the same songs, in a very slightly different order to give off the illusion of it being different. There are a few good songs in there as well but after hearing them every night for three months you begin to get slightly tired of them. The only song I’ve found to be the exception is “A Little Less Conversation” by Elvis vs Junkie XL, which is just an awesome song.
B – Barrowman, John
Seriously, just get off the telly already. This guy will appear on anything and everything. And what’s the deal with the accent? Isn’t he from Glasgow or some such? What a knob.
C – Compare, Go
Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
D – Dylan, Bob
Boring. And the harmonica is for girls.
E – Election, General
It’s that time again, soon we will all be in the polling stations deciding which group of middle class, London-centric tossers we want in charge for the next four years. It’s an exciting time in many ways, particularly as it looks like actually being close this time. But in other ways it is crap. Firstly, if I vote I’ll run the risk of being called up for jury duty in the future. I do not want this. What if I get a case involving gangsters and they know I voted guilty and come and fuck me up? I think I’ll just declare myself prejudiced against all races and sexualities so they don’t choose me. Secondly, a lot of people say “blah blah you must vote, it’s your duty yadda yadda”, whereas I take the opposite view. I think the majority of people SHOULDN’T vote. I don’t consider myself an expert on politics by any means but I feel I know enough to get by. The average chav in the high street, what the frig do they know? People who are thick or misinformed should not be allowed to potentially hold this country’s short term future in their hands. In the polling stations they should have a general knowledge politics quiz that you have to pass before being allowed to vote.
F – Foo Fighters
They used to be my second favourite band in about 2004 but then ‘In Your Honor’ came out and it sucked and since then I’ve gone off them more and more. I don’t know if it’s just that my tastes have changed or what but now I find them to be one of the more bland rock outfits around, and that’s saying something because modern rock music is generally pish.
Tags: a-z, election, foo fighters, Gordon Brown, hate, politics
Posted in General |
Sunday, November 1st, 2009
Should I really have to explain why I loathe a newspaper that so often and consciously spews bile from within it’s sordid little right-wing pages?
Whilst I could possibly write an epic book on the matter, I’ll just point to one incident from this week to prevent you all from expiring due to my negativity.
The Daily Fail was again trying to tackle those pesky violent video games by vomiting words without thinking.
Here is a quote from their article (more a jumbled mess of right-wing garbage than an article):
This Christmas’ top selling computer game could be one in which players kill hundreds of civillians in an airport. The sick game, called Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2, features a level in which players score points by shooting unarmed passengers at an airport terminal, according to a trailer released on the internet.
The footage shows the player entering airport security with a machine gun in hand, before killing every innocent bystander in sight, often while they are crawling away injured or screaming for help. Eventually, the player must shoot the police that come to the public’s aid to progress.
Gamer Alan Burke, 14, said “The game looks like a lot of fun. All my friends at school are getting it for Christmas”. But mum Cathy was outraged; “I can’t believe they thought this was suitable material for such impressionable minds ” she told us, “it’s absolutely sickening”.
Call of Duty: Modern Warfare sold over 7 million copies, and this new version is predicted to break that record. Market research shows that most of the players are aged between 12 and 18.
PM Gordon Brown condemned the game in a conference call this evening, saying “It’s atrocious that the entertainment industry feels the need to make light of such a serious and grave issue”, and Conservative MP Justin Davis called for the game to be banned from sale. Activation, the company who make the dispicable title, refused to comment.
Damn those video games, coming over here with their violence, poisoning our kids minds, making them go on school shooting rampages. It gets me really angry, it makes me want to actually parent my children, make sure they don’t access 18+ games instead of complaining and whining like an extremist conservative cunt who is taken in by the media diarrhoea that pours out from within the Daily Mail pages.
Sidenote: If you’re letting your kid play an 18+ game, it isn’t the game at fault, it is you, the parent. End of. The fact that some ’sheep’ will follow the Daily Mail’s article is laughable, but another needless blow to gaming. Shooting (FPS) games have been around for a while now, maybe it is time people grew up and accepted the fact that a game is just a game.
My friend, Phil Whittle, a fellow gamer also said in an online discussion:
I really hate how the Daily Mail reports things, and I wouldn’t be suprised if this leaked footage was done by Activision to drum up a bit of free publicity about the game before release. We don’t know the full context of the scene yet, I read that there are two warnings before the scene starts and you can skip it at any time, and it’s actually there to demonstrate how bad the terrorists are, not to reward the player for commiting terrible acts as the article implies.
Since they brought up kids playing the game, it’s rated 18+ by both the BBFC and PEGI so they shouldn’t really be playing it (although that’s a debate for another day).
Sidenote 2: Doesn’t Gordon Brown have a country to run, rather than commenting on video games? Of course he doesn’t agree, his household still lives in the 17th century. I’m almost certain that gruel is their highlight meal of the week and everyone gets a lovely apple for christmas in his house.
Tags: Daily Mail, Gordon Brown, hate, News & Politics
Posted in Life, Culture & Activism, Media |
Thursday, October 15th, 2009
It’s a good job nobody reads this site, particularly my postman, because I have a shirt ordered online that I’m expecting to arrive any day now. If he read an article about how much I hate postmen, he’d probably shot it in the bin or wipe his arse with it or something. But I’m sorry, I just can’t hold it in any longer. Postmen do my head in.
For a start, their job seems pretty easy. I know you’ve got early mornings and having to carry around a heavy, bulging sack (fnar fnar) but aside from that, it’s pretty cushty. You get to work on your own, which is ideal for a lot of people. You might even be lucky enough to get your own van! Plus with the early mornings, you’ve finished work for the day by lunchtime so you’ve got the rest of the day to either go out or just stay in and watch Flog It. To me, that sounds like one of the best jobs in the world. I’m sure if a postman were to see this he’d be all like “Actually it’s really difficult, some letterboxes are at the very bottom of the door so you have to bend or kneel to put the letters through and everything”. But I remain unconvinced. Or maybe they claim that people’s dogs are always trying to bite them, but let’s be honest, that only happens in The Beano.
But all that is irrelevant anyway, because they never do any bloody work. Is there a month goes by without them striking? Seriously, it’s ridiculous. The last time I saw so many strikes by a group of people was when I was watching the Ten Pin Bowling Championship on Sky Sports (I was bored, okay?). I’m sure they think they have legitimate grievances about pay or holidays or whatever it is they’re striking over this week, but it’d be nice if they just made that extra effort and actually did the job they are paid to do, just every once in a while that’s all I ask.
Personally I don’t see why whoever owns Royal Mail (The Queen?) doesn’t just sack the lot of them when they have the cheek to go on their fortnightly strike. We’re in a recession, there’s bog all jobs about and millions of unemployed trying to fill them. If posties are too precious to get off their lazy arses and do some work, tell them to do one and hire people who would be more than willing to do the job.
As a side note, I did get in touch with my local postman to respond to this article, but the lazy fucker was in bed.*
*may not have happened
Tags: hate, mail, postmen
Posted in General |
Thursday, October 15th, 2009
Firstly, I should make it be known that one thing that I am not is a stingy bastard. I am forever spending my money, usually wasting it on food or beer or my monthly subscription to Parsnip Monthly. But there is one rare instance where I get annoyed when forking out for something, and that is the controversial world of tipping.
Being pressured into giving someone money for doing their job. What’s that about? Alright, in the UK it’s nowhere near as bad as in America, where tipping is pretty much compulsory and they get all arsey if you don’t tip X amount. Seems pretty arrogant to me, which is uncharacteristic for Americans as we all know. Thankfully back here on our modest isle, it isn’t quite as widespread, but still, I simply don’t get the entire notion of tipping. I am going to include a few examples of arguments that are pro-tipping, and then explain why they are wrong.
1) “They get paid peanuts by their employers, they need the extra money tips provide just to get by!”
Right, I do feel sorry for someone who works long hours and works hard, for very little money. And I hear that restaurants are pretty notorious for paying shitty salaries. They probably spend more on one pizza than they do on the pizza-faced teenager who brings it to your table. Which is another thing, why do most of the men that work in pizza establishments look just like the pizzas they serve? Is it company policy? Do they also have to smell like the garlic bread? Anyway, I sympathise with people who are working for next to nowt, but as a customer, that isn’t my responsibility. It’s bad enough paying 12 quid for an admittedly delicious pizza in some establishments without then having to fork out even more just to make sure Dave the waiter can afford his car insurance this month. The employer is the villain here folks, not me!
2) “If someone provides excellent, helpful service with a smile, then surely they deserve it?”
Good service is the bare minimum that is to be expected in a customer-driven environment. Someone who is polite, friendly and smiley, while being a decent person with a moral compass and a brain in their heads, shouldn’t really be considered to be going above and beyond the call of duty just for showing basic manners. I know there are plenty of arseholes out there who are rude and ignorant to customers but they shouldn’t be set to ‘par’ on the great Customer Service Barometer™, and everyone who isn’t an unpleasant cock considered to be excellent. Rude and ignorant staff should be smited and hounded out of the restaurant, preferably by flinging ice cream at them until they run away in tears.
3) “Employees in that industry have to put up with some right arsey customers, they have the patience of a saint and should be rewarded for it!”
If you work in a customer-driven environment, then one of the unfortunate facts about working with customers is that 90% of them are either braindead or complete arseholes. So while I have every sympathy in the world for having to put up with people moaning and thinking they know better all the time, it comes with the territory I’m afraid. My advice whenever a customer is being particularly arsey is to just smile, grin and bear it and remain polite and helpful, while simultaneously imaging battering them in the head with a frozen baguette in your mind. Makes it much easier.
Also, why is it only limited to the restaurant industry? Supermarket/other shop workers get paid minimum wage too, but you don’t slip them a few quid for helping you find the biscuit isle or making sure your corned beef pasty is at least lukewarm do you? Double standards, people. You know I hate them, and will continue to fight the good fight against them while simultaneously ranting about things that get my goat. That way, everyone’s a winner. Especially me.
Tags: food, hate, tip, tipping
Posted in Life, Culture & Activism |
Monday, October 12th, 2009
R – Red Hot Wives
Trading Standards should be alerted, because Red Hot Wives should be done under the Trade Descriptions Act. The wives tend not to be red hot, they’re usually lukewarm at best. If I pay five quid a night then I expect better than some average fishwife lightly tickling her fanny. Kleenex isn’t cheap you know.
S – Simpsons, The (post 2000-ish)
It’s seriously embarrassing how lame this show has become, considering how brilliant it was. In the earlier seasons it seemed like every episode was a classic, nowadays the jokes have wore thin, the humour has become wackier and lowest common denominator, and the celebrity guests add pretty much nothing other than “look at us, we got Tony Blair to appear on our show! Buy our merchandise”. The movie was okay, but The Simpsons’ relevance and witty humour ran out years ago. Put it out of its misery.
T – Timekeeping, Poor
People who are frequently late to stuff can go and fall on a spike. It’s not difficult to be somewhere at the time agreed. Oh and people who go “I’m fashionably late” or “it’s just what I do” or whatever. People don’t think “hey look at that cool guy turning up 40 minutes late, what a maverick”, they think “hurry up you fucking ignorant cunt”.
U – Umbrella-ella-ella-hey-hey
No. Just no. Have you not got any Beach Boys instead?
V – Va Va Voom
Falls into the category of “crap phrases that plebs nick off adverts” along with ‘simples’ and ‘we can consolidate your debt into one monthly payment’.
W – What Katie Did Next
The latest chapter of Katie Price’s reality TV series. If the answer isn’t “threw herself under a train” then I’m not interested.
X – X
Yes, the letter X. I mean, what a shit letter. It’s totally useless and awkward. It ruins lists like this by being so rubbish that no words can be bothered starting with it, so you have to think of something desperate and tedious to fill its position in the list. It also almost ruined my run of having an artist beginning with every letter on my iPod, before XTC kindly bailed me out. X is only good when it’s multiplied by three and used in grot films, or maybe multiplied by four and turned into a weak Australian beverage. But on its own, it’s shite. Get rid of it.
Y – Yoko Ono
John Lennon, one of the most famous and successful musicians of all time. He could have had his pick of women. And he picked that one?!
Z –Zimbabwe
Rubbish country led by a complete pleb who thinks he’s the black Hitler. If Mugabe’s such a tossrag why doesn’t someone just assassinate him, nobody will care. And we can take over his country and make it less crap and build shops and railways and Big Brother on it.
Tags: a-z, alphabet, hate
Posted in General |